Fuck this, I want my life back. And I’m going to get it.

I’m done. I’m done feeling disabled. I’m done fearing constant pain and everything that comes with it. I’m done letting my illnesses define my life.

My long term disability rep is throwing me in circles not giving me an answer and ya know what? I don’t even want one anymore. I’m getting my life back if it kills me. I’m sick of feeling like I am destined to just be sick.

First step: Lose the cane.

Ha! Easier said than done. I have been relying on the use of a walking cane for over a year, since the Fibro progressed so intensely to my legs making every step painful to the point of falling. So, I used a cane to ensure I wouldn’t fall anymore. The problem? I was diagnosed with dual carpal tunnel and the only next option (after I’ve now exhausted all others) is surgery. The source? The constant repetition of using my walking cane.

Fuck that. The cane is the culprit and it needs to go.

My new mindset: worst case is that the pain is so electrifying that it disables my balance and makes me fall. But that fall can’t possibly be worse than the constant pain that’s caused from my carpal tunnel.

I have been working tirelessly, every day, to get my strength back. My body is weak. Over time my legs have atrophied, they have been reliant on an aid for too long and no longer have the muscle they used to.

But I have been relentless at doing daily physical therapy exercises I’ve learned from my pain rehabilitation days. I have started routinely doing yoga at home. And I finally actually stepped foot back in a gym. And I plan to keep going back, and keep working, and keep giving it my all until I can walk with confidence again.

It’s not mind over matter, but having a mindset that I not only want, but NEED to do this to get back to where I owned my life does help.

It’s going to be hard as hell. It already has been. But every cry in pain reminds me that I’m working my body, not just letting it work me.

Step Two: Go back to work. 

…. to be continued.

 

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