The week ahead

This upcoming week will end with the best day of my life, but also might be accompanied by news I’m not sure I’m ready to hear or deal with.

I get to marry my best friend this Saturday and I could not be more excited at the thought of being by his side for the rest of my life 🙂 We have close family and friends coming into the city from all over to celebrate with us, we are so grateful and lucky!

But, I also learned that I will be receiving the decision on my Long Term Disability claim at some point next week. After the insurance’s medical team has reviewed my case, the company will make their decision to approve or deny me.

Long term disability would provide me with a portion of my old salary while I am unable work. So basically, until I am 65 years old, die, or become no longer disabled (aka “cured”). It offers no insurance benefits, but it would allow me to take care of myself and try to live something close to a “normal life” while I am sick.

Not going to lie, I am incredibly daunted by the thought of potentially getting denied long term disability days before I get married. I know everyone will be there to support me which will be nice, but my heart will be crushed and fear of the future will set in, hard.

I’m doing what I can to prepare myself for that news. I will be ready with a Plan B if I do get denied, but it will be going right back to the exact life that almost broke me, physically and mentally, just months ago. I don’t know how to accept that or prepare for it.

I still can’t work. That hasn’t changed. I can barely do the simplest of tasks like taking my dog out for a walk some days. I am still in constant pain every single day and it only continues to get worse.

But if the insurance company doesn’t see that or agree with it, it won’t matter. Doctors can give their opinions, work can submit proof, but at the end of the day I am at the mercy of the insurance company.

My life is in their hands. Doesn’t sound like a very easing thought, does it?

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