Here we are again. Another Monday where the world starts reality. And I sit at home, alone, in pain.
The feeling of worthlessness is one of the most powerful emotions I struggle with now. For the last 5 years I have gotten up, gone to work, and felt like I had purpose. Like I at least made a small difference even if it was just making sure projects ran smoothly.
I battled through the pain even when I thought I couldn’t. There were a lot of sick days, that’s for sure, but even on those days I knew I was just resting for the days of work ahead. But my depression and pain ran wild during those days. To the point that I wanted any oncoming car to hit me, just so I could escape the constant, debilitating pain.
So now I have been given time, a lot of time, to try to figure out what makes the most sense for my life. Not that insurance company deadlines provide any sort of leisurely experience, that stress equates to my toughest days at work. But still, the days are mine to figure it out.
After only a month of short term disability, I awake with the feeling of worthlessness racing through my veins to my mind. If I sat in my apartment and did absolutely nothing today, no one would know the difference. I am no longer an essential member of a team or a company. I’m just… here.
I don’t plan to have children, I don’t plan to live the suburb life. I always hoped to dominate my career and find success in life through that.
But now my viewpoint must change. What I find value and success in needs to change. I refuse to let this worthless feeling continue to consume me. Because it will end up drowning me.
I’m not sure how I plan to accomplish this, but I will start with regaining a sense of purpose. I know once I get a dog in a few weeks that will help, but I still need more. Volunteering maybe?
Unfortunately my mind is fine, but my body continues to fail me. Which means its almost impossible for me to live a “normal” life.
Time to find a new normal.