I miss… me

I miss me.

The girl that had a career drive stronger than a desire to have her own family
The girl who knew what she wanted and was happy doing it
The girl who was climbing the corporate ladder every year that passed

The girl who impressed daddy, as lame as it may sound

The girl who made me feel like I was worth something, like I had purpose every day

I miss the old me. And I miss more that I will never be her again.

I will experience pain every single day
I will endure doubting family and friends along the way
I will live to be a small shadow of what I wanted to be
Because I have lost my ability to achieve my dream

I failed.

It wasn’t my fault

But it doesn’t change the reality.

 

6 thoughts on “I miss… me

  1. I wanted to cry. I miss the old me as well. This new me has issues. I just had an anxiety attack over a bracelet. My husband told me I had to stop doing this. Just when I thought the day was ok. The pain was toleratable. I went to the range and shot the mess out of my target.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The setting aside of who I thought I wanted to be and who I had worked my whole life to be was (and still has moments of being) really hard. Really hard. I found working with a therapist really helpful as there is a whole grief process to it or at least is for me. It’s been over a decade since diagnosis for me and for the first 5+ years I fought against myself tremendously “damn it all if my body is going to call the shots! Screw this!” Yea, don’t recommend it. Lol. I do that a lot less now (still have my moments of bull headedness though they happen a lot less) and my life is overall happier. Thought I go through my periods of grief and raging frustration at the situation upon occasion still (and jealousy, that’s a hard one for me, getting jealous at other people my age and older and the ways they can live their lives). It’s hard letting go of the shoulds, and the plan you had in mind for life, but that doesn’t mean it all has to suck all the time. I read a quote once that I find still resonates for me “the incurable thing about humans is we are resilient”. i find that to be very true. And a saving graces is humans are great at normalizing even the most challenging things. wish you all the best and peace. Sorry you are going through this process too.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Your words resonated deeply. I was there not too long ago. It’s a horrible feeling. I’m so sorry that you are feeling that way. When I was at my worst my therapist recommended this book ( https://www.amazon.com/Mindful-Path-Self-Compassion-Yourself-Destructive/dp/1593859759 ) and it honestly pulled me back up and out of where I was emotionally. I still have moments and days but I’m doing the best I can everyday and that’s just the best I’ve got. I am not a failure. My immune system failed me, but not me it. Sending you big hugs and wishing for you brighter days.

    Liked by 1 person

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