Every day I am trapped between feeling like I should constantly be doing things to try to get better, and accepting that I am supposed to also be using this time to rest… relax. But I honestly feel that at this point, and as my doctors would agree, I am doing everything I can to get better. There are no more solutions.
Its week 2 of my medical leave and I am no less anxious than last week. I feel as if I am on a constant timer, a countdown that weighs on me so heavily I want to break.
I have 12 weeks, to try and figure out what I can do with life. Can I go back to my job at my advertising agency? Can I do any 40 hour work week at all? Do I have to go on long term disability at 28 years old? Can I even image what in the actual fuck that would be like?
It doesn’t seem to be uncommon, from what I have learned from the Fibro social community, that people can no longer work at their current jobs or find anything lenient enough to keep them hired. Its sad how often we have to call in sick and can’t even move out of bed.
But, well fuck, I just don’t want to stop working. I don’t want to quit my career I have worked so hard for. Its what my dreams have always been geared towards – a successful career. I don’t plan on having children. So to lose my career would, in my eyes, mean losing my future goals.
People are actually jealous of my medical leave. I think people see this as a vacation, just some time off.
Its a slap in the face every time someone says that to me.
This is a countdown to figure out my future, my life, to try to get “better” and actually be able to function again. If you are jealous of my short term disability leave then you clearly have no clue what the fuck I am going through.
Tick tock, tick tock.
Figure it out.