A Life of Not Knowing

I think one of the hardest parts is just not knowing.
Not knowing if the pain will ever stop in that moment of excruciating torture
Not knowing how I will feel tomorrow, or even tonight
Not knowing if I should make plans because I always have to cancel
Not knowing what else I can do to try to get better
Not knowing if I will actually get well enough to go back to work
Not knowing what the fuck I would do if I couldn’t

Not knowing if I will ever have my old life back.
My career.
My friendships.
My relationship with Ryan.
My drive and passion for success.
My life.

I just want my life back.
And I don’t know if that will ever happen.
And that is hard as fuck to accept.

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